Saturday, September 25, 2010

Funny Statuses

So the first thing I want to post is a couple of funny statuses that I've found or made up that you can use wherever you'd like to (Google Buzz, Twitter, Facebook, etc.). I hope you enjoy them!

I feel like getting some work I'm sitting down until the feeling passes.

I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I'm good at everything.

I dream of a better world...where chickens can cross the road without having their motives questioned :0)

My computer just beat me at chess...but I totally owned it at kick boxing.

I'm s cle'a] mu ke]yb29oa;rd

I'm so proud of myself! I finished the jigsaw puzzle in 6 months even though the box said 2-4 years!!

I reject reality and substitute my own. (-Adam Savage, Mythbusters)

I wonder where in the ark Noah kept his woodpeckers?

"Dear Noah: We truly thought you said the Ark was leaving at 5:00." ~Much love, the Unicorns.

"Dear Noah: We thought you said to meet at the PARK." ~Regretfully, the Dinosaurs.

Whoever says that Paper beats Rock is dumb. Next time I hear someone say that, I'll throw a rock at him while he holds up a sheet of paper.

¡ǝɯıʇ ǝɯɐs ǝɥʇ ʇɐ ʞooqǝɔɐɟ ǝsn puɐ puɐʇspuɐɥ ɐ op ʎןןɐuıɟ uɐɔ I

Have you ever had a fly or small bug land on your computer screen and your first reaction is to try and scare it with the cursor?

You know how you always check behind the shower curtain for bad guys before using the bathroom? Well, what would you do if there really was a bad guy there?

Don't waste money on expensive ipods. Simply think of your favourite tune and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", think of another song you like and hum that instead.

What do we want? "PROCRASTINATION!" When do we want it? " week."

I have an announcement to make: I've decided to stop procrastinating once and for all. This will go into effect...tomorrow.

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs aren't happy.

Hi, I'm Danmimeiel. The "mime" part is silent.

Did you know that the "b" in "subtle" is actually subtle?

Why is "abbreviation" such a long word??

Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.

People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones. People who live in stone houses shouldn't throw glasses.

Did you know that 5/4 people have problems with fractions?

Statistically speaking, 146% of people exaggerate.

I hear there is scientific proof that birthdays are good for you... the more you have, the longer you live.

I wonder why "Yell for help" isn't on any of the lists of "100 things to do before you die."

Never judge a book by its cover. Use the paragraph on the back cover to do that.

"The best thing about Facebook is that you can post quotes and totally make up who they're from." ~Alexander the Great.

I was in the kitchen, about to steal a cookie, when I heard Dora the Explorer saying on the TV in another room, "Swiper no swiping! Swiper no swiping!" I felt bad. I still took the cookie. So much for TV teaching kids morals these days...

Hello, facebookers. Look at your status. Now back to mine. Now back to yours. Now back to mine. Sadly, yours isn't mine. But if you stopped posting about other things and made this your status, yours could be like mine. Look down. Back up. Where are you? You're on Facebook, reading the status your status could be like! Anything is possible when your Facebook status looks like this one...I'm using Twitter.

I'm riding the ponies at WalMart, but I just ran out of quarters. Can someone bring me some quick??

4 8 15 16 23 42

My house is protected by the Lord and a gun. You might meet both if you show up uninvited, son.

I heard some good news coming from the BP Oil Spill today--local fisherman report the tuna they’re catching are getting up to 35mpg. Sweet!

Igloo foxtrot yankee oscar uniform charlie alpha november uniform november delta echo romeo sierra tango alpha november delta tango hotel igloo sierra charlie oscar papa yankee alpha november delta papa alpha sierra tango echo tango oscar yankee oscar uniform romeo sierra tango alpha tango uniform sierra

I'm ADHOS: Attention Deficit Hyperactive Ooo, Shiny!

Build a man a fire and he’ll be warm for a day; set him on fire and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.

Something I found out today...never play leap-frog with a unicorn. Ouch.

I'm going to write a blog post tomorrow about procrastination.

I am a fan of not becoming a fan of everything on facebook.

I couldn’t find a decaf coffee table at IKEA. Sadness...

What should you say when an atheist sneezes??

I wonder what I should say if I'm in Heaven and God sneezes...?

Haikus are awesome, but sometimes they don't make sense. Refrigerator.

My bathroom scale can go from 0-250 in 2 seconds flat. 

I wonder...if you choke a smurf, what colour would he turn?

Don't you hate it when people post narcissistic statuses about what they're doing at every single moment of the day, which frankly doesn't matter to you? Anyway, I gotta go eat.

Roses are red, violets are blue, friend requests are good, but who on earth are you?!? 

I looked at the keyboard earlier and I noticed 'U' & 'I' are together, it's meant to be! Then I looked underneath it & it said JK.

 "Dont tell God how big your problems are...tell your problems how big God is :)"

When someone sees you crying, and ask: "Are you sad?" Punch them in the face, and ask: "Are you okay?"

What doesnt kill you makes you stronger or paralyzed or crazy.

This dog, is dog, a dog, good dog, way dog, to dog, keep dog, an dog, idiot dog, busy dog, for dog, 30 dog, seconds dog. Now read it again, but without the word dog!

You never want your kids to see you scared. You want to be that rock that they grab a hold of in a stormy sea. Actually, a rock would sink. So a floating rock....

You have nothing to fear but fear itself...and concrete....

Everything is funny as long as it's not happening to you.


  1. What should you say when an atheist sneezes?

    "Uh, when you die nothing happens."

  2. I updated it with a couple more statuses.